Hello Reader,

I'm thinking about all of you raising siblings this morning.

When you are raising siblings and one of them (or more!) brings intensity to the table, it is natural to think about how it impacts the others.

They need more of your attention, so you worry about the others getting less.

They disrupt the flow of family life, so you worry about the way it will impact the others.

And the others tell you it's not fair. They question what you're doing. They want things to change.

And you might end up feeling like you're not doing enough, so you try to do more.

You want them to know that you're not ignoring the problem, so you try to address it.

But it's not really working. The meltdowns escalate when you try to intervene.

I was just talking to a client about this yesterday.

And here's the thing.

When you're thinking about how much this meltdown is impacting everyone else, you're not focused on what the one who's melting actually needs. You're focused on getting it to stop. You're focused on finding the right thing to say to make it better. You're focused on removing the "problem" so the others don't suffer or miss out.

It might not even be conscious, but as long as you are thinking about putting an end to the problem instead of helping everyone get through safely, the problem will persist.

So what do we do?

First, remember that our kids are not problems. They are struggling with a problem, but they are not the problem. They're not a problem that needs fixing any more than a lightning storm is a problem that needs fixing.

Think about that for a minute.

A lightning storm is an inconvenience. It is potentially harmful, but you can take measures to protect yourself. In fact, that's really all you can do. You can't argue with a lightning storm. You can't convince it to settle down.

All you can do is pull the kids out of the pool and wait until it passes.

They can get back in the pool when the skies are clear. It's an inconvenience, but it's necessary.

Your kids don't need to hear what you're going to say to their sibling or how you're going to fix the problem.

If their sibling is having a loud and/or aggressive meltdown, get them out of the pool. Even if they say, "Why should I have to stop what I'm doing?"

You can explain the metaphor to them if it helps. The key is, in that moment, the child in distress needs your full support, and the others need to take themselves safely elsewhere.

They can come back to what they were doing.

Once they've left, you can sit down. You can focus on breathing and regulating yourself. You can let them know that you're here to help when they are ready, and then sit quietly nearby.

Table any discussions you think you need to have about their behavior.

Get them through the crisis first. Wait for the storm to pass.

You can't argue with a lightning storm anyway.

Of course, this is just a snapshot. One piece of the puzzle. When we coach together, we build the skills to get through the storm, but we also explore what comes next. How do you coach them? How do you reduce the frequency of the storms and where can you put up lightning rods? The first step in working together is scheduling a consultation. It's a chance to explore where you are, carve a path forward, and see if we are good fit for working together. Learn more and get on the schedule here.

Your partner in parenting,

Julia McGarey

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PS

I am expanding my practice to include coaching tweens and teens. I help my young clients better understand how their brains are working: how their thoughts impact their feelings, actions, and results. If your child is their own biggest critic, if they seem to lack grit or persistence, or they have a really hard time seeing any perspective but their own, this might be a good fit. Reach out or schedule a consultation (for you and me intitially) and we can explore how coaching could support them directly.

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