Hello Reader,

I’ve been quiet for a while.

My grandmother passed away on September 28th, and it was hard to write about anything but that. Channeling my thinking into usable, relevant chunks for parents was the last thing on my mind.

I was revisiting memories, thinking about my younger self. And honestly, I know that version of me would never have imagined that I could be someone who would write about one topic every week for six years. I have a rainforest mind, after all.

Sometimes I’m not sure I can do it anymore.

But when I watch my daughter with other kids, I know. Anybody who’s paying attention can see how different she is. She exceeds expectations in so many ways, but she takes her time. She NEEDS time.

I think about asynchrony a lot, and one of the biggest things I see as she approaches ten is her inability to conform.

Write it like that and it sounds like a weakness, which is absolutely not my intention since non-conformity is something I’ve always valued.

Perhaps blend is a better word.

She doesn’t blend well.

It’s difficult to read the room and find common ground, to understand that you may need to adjust your storytelling, to edit, depending on who’s sitting in front of you. These are skills that strengthen relationships and help kids become a part of a group. These are skills that are still emerging for any ten-year-old, but it’s a lot easier (and there’s less of a need to “learn” this stuff) when you’re part of the 80% that fits the mold of what society expects kids to be.

I’m proud that she hasn’t sacrificed who she is in the name of fitting in. It is part of my ongoing quest to help her find kids who get her, kids she can sit at the end of the dock and grow old with.

As we journey toward that bigger goal, I will continue to give her opportunities and support to find her way in a group that doesn’t feel like home. Still, it sure would be nice to find one that feels like home to start with, though.

I’m definitely a believer in training wheels, baby steps, scaffolding. It’s essential to provide them the support they need to develop the skills to do hard things.

And groups are hard. Honestly, I’m not sure she’s ever been a part of a group of like-minded peers. I don’t think I was until 7th grade. Not really. Even then, I felt more at home in my smaller group. The difference was, I felt safe within the big group. With that safety, being in a big group was suddenly not a thing for me anymore.

Before that, I clung to a single friend like a life raft.

I share because this is part of the journey. It’s different from dealing with challenging behaviors and so much of what many parenting experts are talking about. But if you are parenting a highly sensitive, gifted child, social dynamics are a thing.

And to be clear, it’s not that they don’t get social dynamics. It’s that it’s hard to conceptualize that other people don’t think and feel and process as deeply as you. It’s hard to accept that other people probably aren’t paying that much attention. It’s hard to connect when you take your time gathering your thoughts and your peers blurt out whatever they are thinking.

It’s hard.

And so many of these things happen when they are on their own. At school, at soccer, at camp.

This is why it’s important to understand. They might be coming home EXHAUSTED from navigating all of that. They might seem like they’re regressing.

Trust them. Trust that they wouldn’t be acting this way if they weren’t having a hard time with something you can’t see.

It’s so important to be aware of this so you remember to prioritize your relationship with them rather than getting sucked into frustration with what they’re doing.

They need us to investigate what they’re dealing with rather than focusing on what they’re doing. Those things that they’re doing? The ones that feel so important to fix? Those are the signposts.

Something else is going on.

Kids do well when they can.

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Your partner in parenting,

Julia McGarey

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PS

As a homeschooling parent, my time is more limited than it used to be, but I still have room for a couple of new coaching clients. If you'd like support changing your reactive patterns, getting to the root of your child's behaviors, or figuring out a plan, reach out and set up a consultation. I work with my clients in six-month blocks, and I offer tiered pricing - trying to keep it as accessible as possible. Schedule here.

PPS

I saw someone in a facebook group recently say that their 16-year-old had requested to talk to a "professional philosopher" rather than a therapist. I have never wanted to say, "Hey that's me!" more. I mean, I love exploring the hows and whys of gifted and twice exceptional brains, and I believe it's important for our kids to understand how their brains work and why they might feel different from the people around them. This 16 y.o. felt that most therapists focused too much on the diagnosis, rather than taking the time to explore what it actually means for the individual. A diagnosis is not a requirement to coach with me, and being a parent isn't actually a requirement either. If you have a child who would like to talk to a "professional philosopher" on a weekly basis, reach out. Rest assured, it won't just be talking; we'll actually work on life skills and strategies for facing big challenges alongside self-understanding and self-compassion.

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